Monday 16th September 2019

What’s the best medicine after a night of a few too many gins?? A whiskey distillery of course!! Felt for poor Dan the back to being the bus driver Man, we got to sit and chill through the winding roads, poor dude had to drive and keep us entertained at the same time. Bet he was regretting a few swigs of the gin now!!

The three part tale leading up to our arrival at Culloden started with the background of Bonnie Prince Charlie of the Stewart’s who had a birth right to both the Scottish and British thrones. His dad had been booted as King and exiled to France when he was 6 months old, he then grew up in Rome. Kinda sounded like he was bought up with an inflated ego and air of entitlement, sure he was the rightful King but maybe a spoilt brat too?? Anyhow, after many attempts to sway the French army to invade England, cos we all know how the French felt about the English back in the day, things just kept going sideways so he went at it alone, trusting the French would invade at a later date to support him. He set off for Scotland with a massive fleet of two ships… the one with all the soldiers and ammowas intercepted by the British, badly damaged and returned back to France. The Bonnie Prince on the small ship snuck into Scotland and so began the Jacobite rising of 1745 aptly named “The ‘45”… and the end of part one of the story. Obvs when told with a Scottish accent and time to burn its way more interesting. Nice work Dan the hungover Man, I could hardly string together a g’day mate… but apparently according to Daniel the more whiskey you drink the straighter the roads get??

At Glen Ord distillery, one of the largest in Scotland, I swallowed a teaspoon of cement and hardened up. I was at a damn whiskey distillery in Scotland and by gosh I’d enjoy it, mind over matter right?? Once introduced to our tour guide, who we’ll just call Macca, I knew it would be a bloody brilliant tour, Macca was funny AF from the get go and his thick Scottish accent meant I was concentrating on trying to work out what the feck he was saying instead of the jack hammer in my head. If I had the energy I would have lost my shit at the fact the when he said “can’t” it sounded just like C U Next Tuesday… the hangover saved me from giggle fits…

Sad fact from Macca, apparently there’s more Johnnie Walker sold in the world than all the other whiskey’s put together… Eh, stuff ain’t great but if you’ve never had Scottish whiskey or Irish whisky do you even know any better?? See what I did there?? Scottish whiskey is whiskey with an ‘e’ and Irish is without. Was someone just drunk and copied it wrong?? Probs a better explanation…

Macca was brilliant at talking us through the whiskey making process, just wish I could remember more! The one awesome thing that stood out was the fact that Distillers, the person that tastes the batches of whiskey to test for consistency, is usually a woman as they are better at tasting and naming flavours, hell yeah, think I found my new job in Scotland!!

BTW, what are those things in the last pic?? Yup, they are earplugs, not lollies like so many tourists apparently think. Nice one Macca. So maybe I do remember more than I thought – to be labeled as Scotch Whiskey, it has to be single malt, so not a combination of different batches of whiskey a la Johnnie Walker AND it has to be distilled twice, and obvs all that done in Scotland. Apparently Irish whisky is distilled three times cos according to Macca they just aren’t good enough to get it right the first two times… feel like the Irish/Scottish rivalry might be akin to South Aussies versus those bloody Victorians…

And final fabulous fact about whiskey, or not so fabulous, while aging in the barrels, it loses 2% per year to “the angels”, so a barrel aged for 18 years loses 36% of its contents, apparently that’s why it costs so much!! Oh and one more, the “smart” distilleries don’t store all their whiskey at one location, they only ever store 10% of their stash in one place so if a place goes up like wild fire, they don’t lose everything. Feel like maybe someone had to learn a hard lesson with that one?

Macca did give a complete run down on how to brew whiskey but seriously if you’re interested google it because not much stayed in my head, thoughts were mostly of the Stone Age variety.. bacon – yum, gin – bad… Into the tasting room and Christi who’d come to know my sense of humour after the boner lighthouse incident pointed out number 2 on the list below, knowing it’d give me a laugh…

The tasting itself went down surprisingly well, maybe it was because I related to the their flagship whiskey so well, Singleton, yeah I get ya… may have even gone back for seconds, the hair of the dog was working wonders!

Did feel for Robert though, it was the champs birthday and Macca thought he was being a true gentleman giving him a whole glass of whiskey to celebrate… little did he know we still had gin in our blood…

For some reason I don’t recall, really have no idea why, but I DIDN’T buy the Game of Thrones House Targaryen whiskey, whaat? That doesn’t sound like me. Yes they were out of Stark whiskey but still, I have no explanation, just regret.

BOTB feeling surprisingly better with whiskey in the belly and we’re bound for our lunch stop at Inverness. And time for part 2 of Dan the story Man’s tale… so after arriving on Scottish soil, the Bonnie Prince Charlie had to rally the clans to his cause. Apparently the dude himself was a bit of a ponse but the idea of him back on the throne to give Scotland its independence was a cause worth fighting for. I’m with ya highlanders, I’d get behind that, strange feeling so much loyalty to a country I’ve only ever been to twice?!? Anyhoo, the clans gathered, with the Cameron’s being the main supporter of the Bonnie Prince, and together they took on the British. Without much resistance they took down the red coats and marched south with their hearts set on Edinburgh. Again, I understand, I’d fight for that place too. Bringing the smarts to the game ambushing the British while they slept, the Jacobites won one battle after another until they took the city of Edinburgh with next to zero resistance and had one hell of a party. Pretty sure if I knew a shit load of fierce highlanders were bound for the city I was only protecting cos the king told me to then I’d flee too! After taking Edinburgh and being hailed the King of Scotland, rather than be satisfied, the spoilt brat Prince Charlie also wanted London and the British Throne, some people just ask for too much! Just as the Scottish got a whiff of freedom, the British got their shit together and the Duke of Cumberland, the King’s kick arse son took charge of the fight against the Jacobites. How different history would have been if he was as witless as Bonnie Prince Charlie. I realise I’m recounting a completely skewed version of history, clearly not Team Charlie but in no version of this story does he ever come across as a strong leader, spoilt entitled brat always seems the more apt description… except in one single case which unfortunately would have changed the course of history. On the march to London the Jacobites got word of a strong contingent of 60,000 British soldiers heading their way. The Bonnie Prince wanted to keep going but got out voted, I’m guessing the clans knew he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. So they retreated back to Scotland and the majority of the clansmen with the option of going home to a warm bed, food and family did just that, they had won Scotland after all so I get that. As history later tells, the 60,000 strong was actually only 500 farmers ready to put up a fight, the Duke of Cumberland hadn’t quite got his shit together yet. Could this be one of the biggest rumours to ever change the course of history?? Quite possibly… I do wander what would have happened if they’d kept going?? Guess we’ll never know. But what we did know was that was the end of part 2 of the tale and we were in the beautiful Inverness for lunch. Having already booked 2 nights in Inverness after the tour, I was more than happy to just find the local and chill with the group.

BOTB and finally we were on our way to Culloden. I did remember that there was a slim chance I’d meet Sam/Jamie but after hearing Dan the history Man’s tale of Culloden I was moved and felt the significance of the place I was about to visit was more important, life isn’t all about cute Scottish men after all. Of course the drive to Culloden meant part 3 and the final chapter of the story. So, the Bonnie Prince and the highlanders had retreated to Scotland, many had returned to their clan lands with a smalller force staying by the Prince’s side, probs trying to stop him from doing something stupid and trying to convince him to just be satisfied with one crown. Unfortunately the Duke dude by this time had gotten the British troops together and started winning battles. The Duke was apparently keen to get back to a different war so wanted to squash the Jacobites and be done with it. Dude was determined. To end it all, the British and the Jacobites agreed to fight it out on the boggy fields of Culloden. Didn’t quite catch how or why but history tells us they did. Now the Jacobites tried their surprise ambush tactic again but stuffed it up royally. They all got lost in the dark and ended up back where they started tired and hungry in the morning. Guessing the spoilt Bonnie Prince slept through the ambush because he insisted they fight that day. It’s beyond me why anyone would think it’s a good idea to line men up opposite each other and shoot but I guess that’s what they’ve always done in every single war. My hat goes off to the brave men that stood on the field to fight for their country and freedom, not sure I’d ever be that brave. Unfortunately for the Jacobites, the Duke dude had worked out how to counter the highland charge. What’s that you ask?? It’s the ferocious fighting tactic of the highlanders where they shoot their gun at the enemy then ditch it and charge full throttle, swords drawn with epic battle cries that’d scare the bejesus out of anyone. Usually the British, lined up in single file, would get one shot off and in the time it took to refill their rifle the highlanders would be upon them… A British soldier versus a highlander in hand to hand combat was always a one sided affair. But the Duke dude had learnt, he lined up four rows of soldiers, the first would shoot then duck and refill their guns while the second line shot then did the same. By the time the fourth line shot the first line were back up and firing. Fark, the highlanders has no bloody chance, the fight was over in an hour with around 2,000 highlanders dead and around 50 British. What a bloody bloody waste of life. Well, they fought for a cause but still sucks. That name the Duke of Cumberland earnt the name ‘Butcher Cumberland’ as he ordered no quarter, basically take no prisoners and kill the wounded. What an unforgiving arse wipe but I guess that was the done thing then. Such a feckin sad story that i’d soon learn wasn’t finished there.

Arriving at Culloden there was no Jamie but in all honesty, by then I was more interested in the Culloden battlefield. Without a massive visitor center you could drive right by without knowing it was such a historically significant site, just looks like a large plain, some scrub and trees. It’s not til you start walking the fields and see the red flags marking the British troops lines and the blue flags marking the Scottish that you get a feel for what a massive battle it was and how much braver than we could ever imagine the soldiers on each side were. Lining up against an enemy, with a very high likelihood of death, how many people these days would put their hand up for that? Ok, terrorists aside… They must have felt such a passion and belief in what that they were standing for that forfeiting their life was worth it for the cause. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt that level of belief in anything, not sure I ever will. Ok well maybe there are a few people in the world I’d jump in front of a bus for… Anyhoo… walking the fields with Peta and Robert it was a sullen mood and hard to smile for pics but at the same time full of admiration for those that gave their life and sadness that it even had to happen in the first place. I know it’s a beauty queens response but all I really do want is world peace, now and forever…

The stones in the pics represented where the clans stood for the fight and also where some fell, not forgetting the British soldiers who also gave their life for their country…

I did have a picture with the Fraser clan stone in honour of Jamie but felt like a loser in hindsight, some real life Fraser’s died for the cause and here I am swooning over a make believe character… here’s the pic anyway, don’t judge me…

Wandering through the visitor center and gift shop before being BOTB I managed to find something to make me smile…

BOTB in a somber mood but bless Robert the optimist, I think it was him who said it was bad luck Jamie wasn’t there but maybe we’d find him at the next place… thanks Robert, some excitement in my belly for Clava Cairns, otherwise known as Craigh Na Dun to us die hard Outlander fans!

Rocking up at the stones, Jamie was no where in sight but there was still hope I’d go back in time and find him. Tentatively walking up to the stones, I was hoping to hear the hum… but Dan the scene stealing Man got in first, he didn’t go back in time, which is kinda handy coz no idea who would have driven the bus…

It’s all good, I wouldn’t wanna go back in time anyway, as much as I love a castle and fort, I’m kinda pretty happy with where I am now. Clava Cairns is gorgeous, the cairns which are circular burial tombs are over 4,000 years old, as are the stones. Crazy to even imagine what life was like back then and who was important enough to get such a fancy burial.

After all the photo ops were exhausted it was BOTB for the trek back to Edinburgh. It was a hell of a distance so the pit stop at Pitlochry was more than welcome… cute little town but in all honesty, I was more interested in the whiskey flavoured and Scottish tablet flavoured ice cream.

Looks delicious aye?? Would you believe me if I told you I didn’t eat it?? Not sure what the hell came over me but I just didn’t feel like ice cream for the very first time in my entire life so I flogged it off to Robert. A wander through the town with Peta and it was BOTB for the very last time for the final leg back to Edinburgh. Dan the music Man put together a play list for our trek, winning with Queen, not so much with One Direction, and just when I was starting to think he was a cool dude…

While the city of Edinburgh is always a welcome site, leaving my new friends was hard! Hugs to Peta who had to head to her hotel, hugs to Daniel cos he was a champ in the end and a final beer with Robert before he was off on the train and then the tour was officially over. Sad to say goodbye but at the same time when you meet such legends you know it’s never good bye, just a case of see ya later!! What wasn’t over was my adventure in Scotland, still had 4 more days of Scottish lovin’ coming up!

P.S. I have no idea what happened at Culloden, highly likely my account is completely wrong!!

P,P.S. WiFi is shite, sorry if pics aren’t uploading!!