Thursday 13th June, 2019

So in the long winded process of getting my British Citizenship, which is a process of jumping through hoops if you’re born before 1983, latest hoop, going to Melbourne for the citizenship ceremony. Ok, shouldn’t complain, a weekend by myself just chilling in Melbourne, could be worse!!

In my never ending efforts to be a cheap skate, I booked tight arse Jetstar flight, knowing full well it’d probably be delayed, cancelled or just plain uncomfortable. And of course, they are stringent AF on their 7kg carry on so as a single female traveling to Melbourne for 3 nights… had to outsmart the 7kg limit.

Wanna hear my sneaky tips??? If not, then bugger off…

1. Most people save the best for last but this one is most important… wear pants and a jacket with pockets. Before the “weigh in”, pack those damn pockets! Mobile phone, earphones, makeup, gin, anything that fits in your pockets, shove it in there. Can save you at least 2kg!! Just make sure you’re not wearing those dumb arse women’s jeans with fake pockets…

2. This one’s the hardest, pick one pair of shoes and wear them. How you ask? Pick the comfy ones you can walk all day and party all night… these are mine… got my through 3 days at Splendour in the Grass, they can do Melbs…

3. Leave your purse at home. Get one of those nifty phone cases, shove your cards in there, do you really need the 100 cards and bullshit vouchers in your purse?? Probs not.

4. Pick a colour. Anyone that knows me, knows it’s go black or go home. Two pants, couple of tops all the same colour and can’t go wrong.

5. Reconsider pjs. Just wear your first days outfit to bed each night.

6. Pick one moisturizer. Another hard one. I indulge in moisturizer. One for day, one for night, one for the body, one for those special wrinkles. Grab your day one, does everything!! For reals.

7. If you’re going to Melbourne, make space for the umbrella. You know you’re gonna need it!! Kinda opposite to space saving but anyway…

So using my super duper tips, I clocked in at 5.6kg… space for shopping. Have a feeling that number of shoes may multiply, they are my Achilles heel, quite literally…

So in an absolute miracle, not only is my Jetstar flight on time, I bagged an aisle seat without dishing out $$ and arrived in Melbs as scheduled. Is someone messing with me??? This NEVER happens.

The thing I love about flying, time for nothing. Once you’re belted in, there is nothing else you HAVE to do. Sure there’s work that could happen, but usually no internet is a good excuse. No washing, cleaning, tearing down fences – nothing that you HAVE to do. God I love it. Used my god given time to get stuck into the book I’ve been hanging to read, The Book of Daniel, my teenage crush, the voice that shaped my teenage angst. Nope, not my first eyeliner wearing goth of a first BF, the one and only Daniel Johns from Silverchair. Reading through the beginnings of Tomorrow I’m taken back to those years of annoying my mum with the bass of Israel’s Son through to the years to my out of tone renditions of Miss You Love. Ok, right now, go listen to Israel’s Son from Frogstomp, Cemetery from Freak Show, Ana’s Song from Neon Ballroom, Across the Night from Diorama and Straight Lines from Young Modern and tell me they aren’t the most epic, amazing Aussie rock band of our lifetime. Note, Mum, don’t do that. I already know what you think!! Reminiscing is interrupted by the jolted landing of the magnificent Jetstar pilot, good to see some things never change…

The plane door opens and I giggle to myself, umbrella in hand and ready for action. Jetstar in their classy as always drop you smack back in the middle of a runway (kinda) and you always have to leg it to the terminal. Melbourne’s welcome of torrential rain made all those Jetstar cheapies kick themselves, except the Holster with her handy umbrella, hey maybe I’m learning something with all this travel. And maybe I’m a knob for referring to myself in the third person…

So in all my backpatting for remembering an umbrella I completely missed the fact that the Skybus was done for the day heading to St Kilda, my Airbnb destination. Ugh. Holster you knob x 2. So jumping on the Skybus to the city, I was feeling all London inspired with the double decker that appeared out of the haze of rain… when did double deckers happen in Melbourne?!? Anyways, having learnt from London, best seat, top floor and front row. View of the sites, when it’s not raining and look down over those weeney cars, when it’s not raining.

So if you haven’t figured it out by now, I have a terrible sense of direction. Ask Kylie, got her lost in Venice for 3 hours. That was fun. Also meant I got off the St Kilda tram 4 stops early and legged it for half hour through the rain to my Airbnb, or Air bob if you ask an iPhone. Kinda regretting that one pair of shoes cos these babies are well and truly wet. Don’t listen to my tips, I’m full of shit.

Through the rain and my soggy stomping, I did spy on Grey St the most magnificent apartment building, can I live here please??

So after a quick Coles stop to grab some salami for dinner, yeah I do that, finally made it to my Air bob. May have tried to open the neighbours door for about half hour but they didn’t seem to mind… A cosy little unit in St Kilda, perfect if not for the party going on upstairs, pretty sure there’s 10 elephants jumping up and down to some kind of satanic beat… at least there’s all the Netflix in the world to drown them out… bedtime and no alarm set, let’s see how this plays out…